Lost in Transition

I'm feeling lost in transition at the moment. Do you ever feel that way?

For the past two plus years, since the car accident and subsequent shoulder dislocation, two surgeries, broken arm and more therapy than I ever cared to go through in my life, my function has been dramatically impacted. I've spent most of the last two years in bed when I wasn't at work struggling to get through my day.

Prior to the accident, I was 70 pounds lighter. I exercised for 90 minutes a day. I took my kids to the park and ran around the house chasing them. We went hiking as a family. Hubby and I played golf. I sewed. I made stained glass. I went to glass blowing classes. And then everything changed in an instant. I didn't know who I was or where I was going (the definition of transition). I went into a deep depression that despite medication, I'm not 100% sure I'm completely out of.

The past month, I've been slowly regaining my life. I can sew now. I tried stained glass last week, and I can do that too! I'm rusty, but it will come back. I'm working in the yard and gardening (although my body isn't as excited about this as my heart is). I went back to work, and it was amazing what I could do again. I still need to lay down when I do too much, but I'm so much closer to who I was. It's been wonderful being able to DO again.

Granted, I took up new hobbies to keep myself occupied - painting, photography, blogging, and I even learned a little photoshop along the way. Those skills saved me from drowning in the chronic pain, but they didn't define who I was. They were substitutes. I'm glad I learned them, but they didn't solve the problem at hand. They were a coping strategy - one I am profoundly grateful for. Eating was my other coping strategy, but that's another post.

Last night I was searching for a photograph I had planned to edit, and I stumbled across pictures I had never seen before. They were pictures my mom had taken that I had offered to work on for her. We were at Build A Bear with the kids - their first trip. There was a woman in the photos I didn't recognize - literally DID NOT recognize. She was thin, had curly hair, she was working with my child. I kept looking at that photo. Who was she? I flipped to the next photo. She had on Crocs. My black crocs. I realized, she was me. ME!

Most of the pictures I have don't have me in them - b/c I was taking them. I have pictures of me, but I've seen them a million times. There is no surprise in viewing them. I know what I looked like on that day. I know I was thin back then. I know, I know. The nagging voice in my head telling me I need to lose the weight again always grows louder when I view those old photos. I have a well placed wall of protection I put up in preparation for hearing that voice that makes me feel so bad when I see those old photos.

Only this time, when I saw that old photo of myself - there were no walls. No defenses. No nagging voice. Just curiosity - who was this woman? Nothing could prepare me for the truth that had been staring back at me in the mirror for so long. I was shocked, truly shocked, at the image of what I used to be.

It's just a picture, I know. It's more than that though. It's a picture of who I used to be. An image that perfectly captured the woman I was. The woman I no longer I am. Only, given what I've been through, she's the woman I will never be again.

Once you've been through a major life disruption, even if you regain all of your old self, you can never go back to being just that person because you are different now. You have more life experience. You have new scars (be they emotional or physical).

All this time, I've been trying to find my way back to who I was before all this started. I thought that going back to who I was would resolve my issues with who I was forced to become. I thought going back would allow me to go forward. Now I realize that going back is simply, going back. It's no kind of forward at all. But now I'm not sure how to go forward. I'm not sure even of which direction to turn. And I find myself, more than a little lost between the shore of what was and the shore of what will be. And I don't really know what to do about that which makes me feel like I'm adrift. And I really don't like being adrift. I'm a focused, driven, purposeful sort of person. Aimless drives me crazy because its the antithesis of ME - and ME is who I so desperately want to BE!

I'm smack dab in the middle of 'in the meantime'...

What about you - have you ever been lost in transition? What did you do? How did you handle it?

Sunday Sketches

I have a pretty significant "interest" (borderline obsession) with greenhouses and barns. I really can't tell you why or how it started, just that I find true beauty in both buildings. I've taken lots of pictures of them over the years, but I've never attempted to sketch one. We are on vacation at the moment. Naturally, since I am relaxed, inspiration struck when I saw the picture below. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my drawing pencils or smudge sticks with me. Thankfully, I did think to bring my sketchbook, an eraser, and a mechanical pencil though!

I've always loved the romantic cottage style gardens, but I don't live in a place which accommodates a cottage garden or a greenhouse for that matter. And if you can't own one, you can at least dream about one, right? I found this image of a greenhouse in one of my favorite magazines "Flea Market Style". If you love all things old, as I do, it's a magazine that will cater to you! I tore it out of the magazine (to the horror of my 5 year old who admonished me for "ripping books").

My rendering of it is below.

I'm still learning to sketch (as you can see). I've got a little bit of knowledge about shading but not so much that I shaded this one correctly. I'm better at understanding spatial relationships in 3D than I am at knowing how to shade my objects in 3D.

I'm open to suggestions to all of you sketchers out there! What do you think is the best way to learn how to shade 3D?

I also have NO idea how to sketch foliage, though I can manage a simple pot. I didn't have time to try to figure it out and post, so I focused more on the inside adding a potting bench and small table.

For fun I added the chandelier (in case you didn't know what squiggly thing in the middle is).

Hope you are all having a wonderful Sunday! I can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

Happy PPF and Sneak Peek Friday!

I hope you've all had a great week, and I can't wait to see what everyone has been up to!! I didn't have time to post or participate last week, so I am thrilled to be back this week! YAY!

I had an exciting week!! Since the car accident/shoulder dislocation/broken arm/2 surgeries issues spanning the last 2.5 years, I haven't been able to sew (which has always been my go to artistic form). It was tough to adjust to at first, but it led me to try painting! SO, who am I to complain? A girl can't have too many artistic endeavors, right?

Well, as it happens, I had several days sans drugs this week (I can't tell you how wonderful that is), and I decided to give a simple sewing project a whirl! My poor machine had a thick layer of dust from 2+ years of neglect. I wasn't sure the old girl would work without a serious servicing. I crossed my fingers, blew her off, and turned her on (were I a man, I think this post would be starting to sound inappropriate right about now).

Anyway, I took a deep breath, and started to sew. I limited my time to 10 minutes - which is all I really needed anyway. And - miracles of miracles I CAN SEW!!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!! Sewing may not sound exciting, but imagine if someone told you weren't allowed to sketch or paint for the past 2 years, and then being given the gift of doing it again! Trust me, it would be amazing!

I sewed for 3 days - which is why I didn't have much time to paint - which is why I'm telling you all of this in the first place. SO, capitalizing on my sewing success, I decided to give resin a try.

Resin you ask? How in the world does resin tie into painting? Well, I had a couple of small bird house shaped pendant trays which I had hand formed prior to the afore mentioned shoulder issues, which had been laying around for...well...ever. I had intended to solder them, but I had nerve damage in my hand (again from that shoulder thing) and the idea of holding a 700+ degree soldering iron in a hand that tended to drop things seemed like a good reason to put it off. Don't you think?

So, they sat, and sat, and sat some more. I moved them around, stared at them longingly, rearranged them in different stacks, and stared at them some more. Until this week....

I doodled a few sketches, added some paint, played with the composition, and then, it was time to pour the resin! I was excited! I was stoked! I was dying to finally crack open the Ice Resin that had been sitting in my studio for SOOO long!

I got all prepped.

Cover surface - check!

Light to help them cure - check!

Little mixing cups and stir sticks - check!

Bottle of Resin and Bottle of Hardner - check!

I opened the bottle of resin, only to discover, it WAS AS HARD AS...WELL...RESIN! WHAAAAAT?!!! How could my resin be hard in the bottle that had never opened? It's still a mystery, but it was useless!

Thankfully, thankfully, I had some Ranger Glossy accents which works sort of like resin. Apparently, it doesn't play well with pan pastels or permanent black ink though and it caused some blueing - but that's okay! It was a good first try, and I am happy with the outcome. Unfortunately, my little painted bird and cage did not dry in time for this post - so the most you get here is doodly painting. Sorry :( Stay tuned for next week....

Without further adieu....

Fate is the Key!

The words seemed appropriate for this post!

And now, for your Friday funny. Conversations with Mackenzie (age 5) - who has been torturing her older brother (and by extension, her mother) ALLLLL week! If I didn't know better, I would swear someone had given her a road map to my last nerve!

She came out of the shower all nice and relaxed, turned the corner to go upstairs, and her brother jumped out and yelled "BOO!" which scared the be-jesus out of her! She had it coming though. He has the nail and bite marks to prove it. After she calmed down, she said "Jack, you really shouldn't do that. It's very disrespectful to me!". That's how your 5 year old speaks, right?

Happy Friday everyone!