Today, I made the most amazing discovery - kids have emotional bank accounts! I know this might seem obvious to some and crazy to others, but the reality is they do! It finally clicked for me today!
My 7 year old recently told me that he needed more individual time with me without his little sister. This might sound like sibling rivalry or petty jealousy, but he's not that type. Even as a baby he didn't cry unless he truly needed something. He isn't a child of many words due to his expressive communication disorder, so when he talks, I listen. The first time he mentioned it, we went out on a date together - pottery painting, then ice cream. It was SO much fun! We promised to do it again and at least a couple of times each month. Two weeks later, our summer started. He and I got to spend a few days together while his sister finished up preschool. We were both worn out from the school year. During the last few weeks of school, he had become cranky and at times defiant - not at all like himself. I'm not sure he even knew he needed one on one time with me until after our week together. His emotional bank account was temporarily full though - so he was able to tolerate his little sister much better the following week.
My 4 year old is a bit of a different story. First off, she's been vocal since day one. She is persistent, to say the least, about getting her needs met. Her primary need has always seemed to be me. I don't mind, it's just an observation in how different my oldest and youngest are. Even at a time when most toddlers are leaving their mothers lap to explore the world, she would get a toy of interest and bring it back so she could sit on my lap AND explore. She's not in my lap nearly as much anymore, but she still seems to need lap/snuggle time a couple of times a day. Usually this need gets met at night, just before bed. Today was another story!
My youngest is NOT a morning person which is an understatement. We have jokingly dubbed her Princess Charmingless and referred to her as "it" when it comes to whose turn it is to wake her. The convo usually goes "Uh-uh! I woke it yesterday! It's your turn to wake it today!" After a little milk, she is usually her normal cheerful self. For no particular reason, she seemed to just wake up in a mood today. This morning, while I was goofing off on FB, she was laying next to me watching Backyardigans. She kept rubbing her feet (hard) on my legs, digging her heels in etc, despite my two requests not to do so. When she went for my legs the third time, screeching in my direction (a true no-no in my house), I closed my laptop, picked her up, placed her on my lap and asked her what was wrong. She snuggled in, rubbed her face all over mine, and shrugged her shoulders. We had a little chat about good and bad ways to get my attention, and then she stayed there - half on, half off my lap for a good thirty minutes. She squeezed my arms around her a couple of times, gave me kisses, and then was happy as a clam. She was happy for the rest of the day.
It was then that I realized, that kids have emotional bank accounts - just like we do. It doesn't matter that I spent the entire day playing with them yesterday, that we spent hours playing in the sprinklers, and made smoothies. That was what I did for them yesterday - but in their minds, what have I done for them today? Let's face it, we all have days when we wake up - accounts empty. Many of us are probably "spent" pun intended, by the end of each day. As adults, most of us have coping strategies to manage this. That's an adult skill - much like recognizing our own needs and vocalizing them too. Children need our help to recognize their needs for them!
I'm going to try to be more conscious of this in the days to come. Of stopping to take notice when they are getting my attention in all the wrong ways - and instead of addressing not just the behavior, but also addressing their empty emotional bank accounts!
Of course as I write this, my two, who are normally buddies every day, have started squabbling with each other. A sure sign that they have had enough of each other - and their sibling emotional bank accounts are full - or maybe overdrawn. Either way, I've got to go!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Do you think your kids have emotional bank accounts too?
Hugs and love to all! I hope you are all having or have had, a wonderful day!
My 7 year old recently told me that he needed more individual time with me without his little sister. This might sound like sibling rivalry or petty jealousy, but he's not that type. Even as a baby he didn't cry unless he truly needed something. He isn't a child of many words due to his expressive communication disorder, so when he talks, I listen. The first time he mentioned it, we went out on a date together - pottery painting, then ice cream. It was SO much fun! We promised to do it again and at least a couple of times each month. Two weeks later, our summer started. He and I got to spend a few days together while his sister finished up preschool. We were both worn out from the school year. During the last few weeks of school, he had become cranky and at times defiant - not at all like himself. I'm not sure he even knew he needed one on one time with me until after our week together. His emotional bank account was temporarily full though - so he was able to tolerate his little sister much better the following week.
My 4 year old is a bit of a different story. First off, she's been vocal since day one. She is persistent, to say the least, about getting her needs met. Her primary need has always seemed to be me. I don't mind, it's just an observation in how different my oldest and youngest are. Even at a time when most toddlers are leaving their mothers lap to explore the world, she would get a toy of interest and bring it back so she could sit on my lap AND explore. She's not in my lap nearly as much anymore, but she still seems to need lap/snuggle time a couple of times a day. Usually this need gets met at night, just before bed. Today was another story!
My youngest is NOT a morning person which is an understatement. We have jokingly dubbed her Princess Charmingless and referred to her as "it" when it comes to whose turn it is to wake her. The convo usually goes "Uh-uh! I woke it yesterday! It's your turn to wake it today!" After a little milk, she is usually her normal cheerful self. For no particular reason, she seemed to just wake up in a mood today. This morning, while I was goofing off on FB, she was laying next to me watching Backyardigans. She kept rubbing her feet (hard) on my legs, digging her heels in etc, despite my two requests not to do so. When she went for my legs the third time, screeching in my direction (a true no-no in my house), I closed my laptop, picked her up, placed her on my lap and asked her what was wrong. She snuggled in, rubbed her face all over mine, and shrugged her shoulders. We had a little chat about good and bad ways to get my attention, and then she stayed there - half on, half off my lap for a good thirty minutes. She squeezed my arms around her a couple of times, gave me kisses, and then was happy as a clam. She was happy for the rest of the day.
It was then that I realized, that kids have emotional bank accounts - just like we do. It doesn't matter that I spent the entire day playing with them yesterday, that we spent hours playing in the sprinklers, and made smoothies. That was what I did for them yesterday - but in their minds, what have I done for them today? Let's face it, we all have days when we wake up - accounts empty. Many of us are probably "spent" pun intended, by the end of each day. As adults, most of us have coping strategies to manage this. That's an adult skill - much like recognizing our own needs and vocalizing them too. Children need our help to recognize their needs for them!
I'm going to try to be more conscious of this in the days to come. Of stopping to take notice when they are getting my attention in all the wrong ways - and instead of addressing not just the behavior, but also addressing their empty emotional bank accounts!
Of course as I write this, my two, who are normally buddies every day, have started squabbling with each other. A sure sign that they have had enough of each other - and their sibling emotional bank accounts are full - or maybe overdrawn. Either way, I've got to go!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Do you think your kids have emotional bank accounts too?
Hugs and love to all! I hope you are all having or have had, a wonderful day!
Oh how I agree with you!! Great post - having an only child this is something I stuggle with daily!
ReplyDeleteI think the greatest thing we can do as mothers, is share the truth of our experience with each other!
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